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ALing88 (10:54:53 PM): Pawl
JumboGuttersnipe (10:54:56 PM): yo
ALing88 (10:55:03 PM): You have some fucked up stories
JumboGuttersnipe (10:55:18 PM): IT's true
ALing88 (10:55:50 PM): By the way, I've had a variant of the Magic Mouthwash, which was more like a Magic Stomach Contents Releaser
JumboGuttersnipe (10:55:59 PM): yipe!
ALing88 (10:56:17 PM): Hmm, I don't believe I've told anybody the story of how I almost died
ALing88 (10:56:19 PM): So why not you
JumboGuttersnipe (10:56:28 PM): Whoa
JumboGuttersnipe (10:56:32 PM): This should be cool
ALing88 (10:56:44 PM): It's not really cool, just....medical
ALing88 (10:57:38 PM): To begin, the story, as you well know, I have a problem with my weight
JumboGuttersnipe (10:57:55 PM): K
ALing88 (10:58:03 PM): There should not be a comma after "begin", by the way
ALing88 (10:58:06 PM): Okay, so
ALing88 (10:58:28 PM): My mom, a sharp-eyed individual, has noticed my weight problems and wants to help me with them
ALing88 (10:58:31 PM): Cause she's my mom
ALing88 (10:58:33 PM): You know how it is
ALing88 (10:59:26 PM): So one day she gives me this package of a magic powder thing called the Cyclone Diet
ALing88 (10:59:45 PM): The powder came with a miniature blender, it was actually kind of neat
ALing88 (10:59:59 PM): You there?
JumboGuttersnipe (11:00:13 PM): yes!
ALing88 (11:00:17 PM): Okay
ALing88 (11:00:21 PM): Feel free to chip in
ALing88 (11:00:25 PM): at any point
JumboGuttersnipe (11:00:57 PM): I shall
JumboGuttersnipe (11:00:59 PM): Sorry,
ALing88 (11:01:07 PM): No prob
ALing88 (11:01:13 PM): So this is during the summertime, I think around the time my brother is in jail
ALing88 (11:01:21 PM): (do not ask)
ALing88 (11:01:37 PM): And my mom's going off on a business trip, leaving me alone with my stepdad and my dog
JumboGuttersnipe (11:01:55 PM): mhmm
ALing88 (11:02:03 PM): So I take this diet crap, mixing the powder in water with the fancy blender dealie, and BOY this stuff tastes like crap
ALing88 (11:02:32 PM): It's like fruit flavored, in theory, but fruit normally doesn't taste like the inside of a butthole (or what you'd imagine a butthole's inside would taste like)
JumboGuttersnipe (11:02:52 PM): ick
ALing88 (11:03:24 PM): So it's about...6 ish, and all of a sudden I get chest pains
ALing88 (11:03:27 PM): Bad ones
ALing88 (11:03:52 PM): And my stomach hurts
JumboGuttersnipe (11:03:58 PM): :-(
ALing88 (11:04:11 PM): So I think "hmm, I know, I'll raid the medicine cabinet" and I take some Mylanta
ALing88 (11:04:33 PM): And then comes the vomiting
JumboGuttersnipe (11:04:39 PM): :-X
ALing88 (11:04:42 PM): Lots...and lots...and lots...and lots...of vomiting
ALing88 (11:05:17 PM): I'd been drinking a lot of water, in an attempt to quench the burning inside me, and after a while the vomit was just water
ALing88 (11:05:23 PM): And vomiting a lot hurts
ALing88 (11:05:32 PM): So next comes the breathing problems
JumboGuttersnipe (11:05:36 PM): eek
ALing88 (11:06:06 PM): I'm thinking "this might be bad", but since I'm one of those guys that doesn't, you know, really take medicine when I'm sick, I attempt to ride it out
ALing88 (11:07:08 PM): But after having watched TV for a couple hours, including the (excellent) Jennifer Capriati SportsCentury, I finally think "gee, this could get really bad" and I decide to go to the hospital
ALing88 (11:07:15 PM): Mind you, it's 1 in the morning
JumboGuttersnipe (11:07:29 PM): So life is sucking
ALing88 (11:07:38 PM): A bit, yes
ALing88 (11:08:16 PM): My stepdad is asleep by now, and because I'm the kind of dude that will think of everyone in the world before himself, I decide not to wake him and drive myself to the hospital
ALing88 (11:08:39 PM): But I live out in Tyson's Corner, and there are no hospitals closer than a 20 minute drive
JumboGuttersnipe (11:08:50 PM): Inova d00d
ALing88 (11:08:57 PM): So I end up going out to, believe it or not, the INOVA in freakin Fairfax
JumboGuttersnipe (11:09:08 PM): whoa
ALing88 (11:09:17 PM): Yeah I know
ALing88 (11:09:49 PM): I'm driving, drinking water, listening to Blood On The Tracks, and thinking "boy, it would really suck if I died"
ALing88 (11:10:22 PM): I get to the hospital, fill out papers```````````, and am ushered to a bed and given one of them backless gowns
ALing88 (11:10:52 PM): So a doctor comes, asks me questions, and when I tell him about the diet thing he's like "whoa, dude, those things are really dangerous"
ALing88 (11:11:17 PM): And he actually like goes to the doctor's lounge, which is in front of where my bed is, and I can hear him talking to the nurses about the powder diet and how bad it is for you
ALing88 (11:11:24 PM): Confidence booster? Not really
ALing88 (11:12:15 PM): I actually get an IV hooked up in me, hardcore stuff
JumboGuttersnipe (11:12:20 PM): whoa
ALing88 (11:13:00 PM): So the doctor mixes up some stuff and gives it to me-the aforementioned Magic Stomach Content Releaser-and it performs its job admirably
ALing88 (11:13:05 PM): Which means I get to vomit some more
JumboGuttersnipe (11:13:12 PM): boo
ALing88 (11:14:05 PM): Next was X-Ray time, so I get wheeled in my bed to the X-ray room
ALing88 (11:14:16 PM): That part was kind of cool
ALing88 (11:14:34 PM): Then finally the doctor says "okay, you can go, you'll be all right"
JumboGuttersnipe (11:14:40 PM): yaaaay
ALing88 (11:14:42 PM): "here are some pills for the heartburn"
ALing88 (11:14:59 PM): "Also, though, you need this medicine for your digestive system that cannot be taken orally"
ALing88 (11:15:05 PM): "It must be taken...."
ALing88 (11:15:08 PM): "RECTALLY"
JumboGuttersnipe (11:15:09 PM): NONONO
ALing88 (11:15:12 PM): :'(
JumboGuttersnipe (11:15:13 PM): AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH
ALing88 (11:16:12 PM): "Oh yeah, no solid food for a couple days, stick to food and Gatorade"
ALing88 (11:16:34 PM): So I have to go buy soup and Gatorade (I meant soup, not food), because it's lacking in my house
ALing88 (11:16:41 PM): But the first place I go to is closed
ALing88 (11:16:53 PM): So I have to drive around for 10 more minutes to find an open supermarket
ALing88 (11:17:05 PM): And I end up at home at 5 in the morning
ALing88 (11:18:31 PM): Postscript: when I tell my mom about the hospital episode, she lets me know that even though she'd gotten the diet stuff too, she hadn't taken it yet
ALing88 (11:18:34 PM): Fin
JumboGuttersnipe (11:18:36 PM): eek
JumboGuttersnipe (11:18:44 PM): ::gay applause::
ALing88 (11:18:54 PM): Ha
ALing88 (11:19:28 PM): Oh yeah, my mom is suing the people that make the diet, I don't know how it turned out
JumboGuttersnipe (11:19:40 PM): Are you rich yet
ALing88 (11:20:07 PM): I have no idea
------------------- nTo Genius (2:43:05 AM): is there acid in vaginal fluid, Justin?
JMShapyro (2:43:14 AM): Gene
JMShapyro (2:43:20 AM): it's pH-balanced for a woman
JMShapyro (2:43:31 AM): but strong enough for a man
------------------
OMG its Feely: Rule #1 of sex: Things can go in the butt but nothing comes out
nTo Genius: what if you put something there like oh I don't know your car keys?
nTo Genius: then how will you get home?
OMG its Feely: Um...that's a good question.
OMG its Feely: wait
OMG its Feely: Car keys in the butt isn't sex
nTo Genius: no, but eating ass may or may not be included in the definition of 'sex'
nTo Genius: well stuffing things into an orifice can have sexual conotation, no?
OMG its Feely: Hmm, I dunno.
OMG its Feely: I'd just dig em out though
nTo Genius: fumbling for keys
OMG its Feely: Or try to get them out with my dong. Cool party trick #912
nTo Genius: I wonder if you know those little beeping alarm things you can get for your keychain..
nTo Genius: I wonder if that would work in a butt
nTo Genius: haha
------------------
PaulsAwesomeDad (8:29:47 PM): i am going to try the streaming cam to monitor things tomorrow
PaulsAwesomeDad (8:30:22 PM): mom is concerned, think she is poking around during the day
JumboGuttersnipe (8:30:34 PM): The comp?
PaulsAwesomeDad (8:30:39 PM): jewelry box
JumboGuttersnipe (8:30:42 PM): Holy ducks
PaulsAwesomeDad (8:30:47 PM): yeah
JumboGuttersnipe (8:30:55 PM): Want me to f--- 'em up?
JumboGuttersnipe (8:30:59 PM): I've got friends!
JumboGuttersnipe (8:31:04 PM): >:o
PaulsAwesomeDad (8:31:07 PM): no
JumboGuttersnipe (8:31:12 PM): That was my angry face.
PaulsAwesomeDad (8:31:21 PM): we already told the agency to replace her
JumboGuttersnipe (8:31:54 PM): Good
PaulsAwesomeDad (8:31:58 PM): she keeps telling mom that she watches tv stories on the amtrak scare
JumboGuttersnipe (8:32:12 PM): ..........what?
PaulsAwesomeDad (8:32:19 PM): ...you know
PaulsAwesomeDad (8:32:30 PM): those postal workers
JumboGuttersnipe (8:32:42 PM): Sweet fancy Moses.
PaulsAwesomeDad (8:32:43 PM): dies of amtrak
JumboGuttersnipe (8:32:49 PM): That's wonderful
JumboGuttersnipe (8:32:53 PM): You have to keep her.
PaulsAwesomeDad (8:33:04 PM): you can use that on your show
------------------
nTo Hobbes: Yesterday me and Emily are having sex
KJames199 has entered the room.
nTo Hobbes: Which is weird on it's own
nTo Hobbes: Anyway
TomCarroll: James you got here just in time
nTo Hobbes: We're going at it and it's regular old sex
Jaded Bengali: :-)
nTo Genius: KJames199 has entered the butt
nTo Hobbes: And she feels really wet like something is dripping and I'm like "Man, I must be good today"
nTo Hobbes: And she seems to be enjoying it
nTo Genius: oh, no
Jaded Bengali: oh no
nTo Hobbes: So we're really sweaty and stuff
nTo Genius: allow me to put down my beverage
JumboGuttersnipe: !!!!!!!!!!
Jaded Bengali: ...
nTo Hobbes: And we finish and I get up
nTo Genius: Hobbes how long did you go for?
nTo Hobbes: And I was wearing my shirt and there's this big stain on it
nTo Hobbes: 15-25 minutes
nTo Genius: good show!
JumboGuttersnipe: Right on
nTo Hobbes: And I think "It must be sweat"
Jaded Bengali: Oh no
JumboGuttersnipe: NONONO
Jaded Bengali: ....
nTo Genius: ew
nTo Hobbes: So I didn't like...cum because quite frankly, sometimes I can't and I just stay, up there because of these fucking anti-sad pills
nTo Hobbes: So we fool around more
nTo Hobbes: And she kisses down here and I hear
nTo Genius: down where?
nTo Hobbes: "....Oh.....god.....no"
nTo Hobbes: DOWN THERE
Jaded Bengali: oh no
JumboGuttersnipe: NONONONONONONO
Jaded Bengali: NOOOOO
nTo Hobbes: She looks up me and she's blushing and she goes
SuperAwesomePat: oh man..
nTo Genius: OOF OOF OOF
nTo Hobbes: "Trevor, it smells like piss"
SuperAwesomePat: HA
JumboGuttersnipe: Actually, that makes you a superman
nTo Hobbes: I'm like "You gotta be FUCKING KIDDING ME"
SuperAwesomePat: hahaha
JumboGuttersnipe: You drove her to the point where she pissed herself
nTo Genius: NO GOD DAMMIT PAUL
nTo Genius: IT MAKES HIM A TOILET
Jaded Bengali: GOD NO
nTo Hobbes: Anway
nTo Hobbes: Anyway she starts CRYING
nTo Hobbes: And turns pink
nTo Hobbes: So I'm like "Uhh....baby, don'
nTo Genius: inside or out?
nTo Hobbes: 't worry, maybe it was mine"
SuperAwesomePat: hahahaha
Jaded Bengali: :-(
Jaded Bengali: god DAYUM
nTo Hobbes: Then she goes
nTo Genius: Hobbes that's like the sweetest thing anyone's ever said
nTo Hobbes: "I CAN TELL MY OWN PISS DAMN IT"
JumboGuttersnipe: Again I say
Jaded Bengali: I would've cried.
JumboGuttersnipe: That makes you a superman
nTo Genius: and I say
nTo Hobbes: So she runs to the bathroom and cries
JumboGuttersnipe: And a helluvaguy
nTo Genius: that makes him a toilet
nTo Genius: like you
StevenDSchroeder: Haha, yes
nTo Hobbes: And I clean up
Jaded Bengali: God damn
nTo Genius: but Hobbes is an amazing chap for saying what he sayed
nTo Hobbes: And smell the stain on my pillow
nTo Hobbes: Now the worst part is
Jaded Bengali: ACK
nTo Hobbes: My parents came home
StevenDSchroeder: Of course
nTo Hobbes: And I can't change my shirt for no reason
JumboGuttersnipe: heh
Jaded Bengali: What in the
SuperAwesomePat: "Emmy wet the bed. And my shirt."
nTo Hobbes: So I go Quick Emily, go out with me
Jaded Bengali: oh mu
Jaded Bengali: my
nTo Hobbes: I make her grab a drink and spill it on me
nTo Hobbes: "DAMN IT EMMY, YOU SPILLED A DRINK ON MY SHIRT, NOW I HAVE TO CHANGE, YOU HEAR THAT MOM"
nTo Genius: haha
nTo Hobbes: So she's trying not to cry but now at least I can put on a clean shirt
Jaded Bengali: This is like some weird sitcom
KJames199: oh fuck Hobbes thank you so much for waiting for me to show up before you began this
Jaded Bengali: bahahaha
nTo Hobbes: Anyway, I'm embarrassed and trying to make her feel better
nTo Hobbes: "We can tell people we did a golden shower and act like we're kinky weirdos!"
nTo Genius: man Hobbes if things don't work out with Emmy I want you to date my sister EW EW EW
StevenDSchroeder: Not anymore
nTo Hobbes: Anyway
nTo Genius: no he's clearly just being nice, Steve
nTo Hobbes: That was horrible
StevenDSchroeder: Interesting way to be nice, but okay
nTo Hobbes: What made me feel bad is
JumboGuttersnipe: Hobbes, you're a wonderful guy
nTo Hobbes: She went down there and found out by sucking the old little hobbesy
Jaded Bengali: GOD DAMN
JumboGuttersnipe: oh no
Jaded Bengali: NOOOOOOOOO
nTo Genius: hmm
nTo Hobbes: And man, I thought it was bad by smelling it
nTo Hobbes: She had to fucking taste it
nTo Genius: "Hobbes, your dick tastes like my pee"
Jaded Bengali: NOO
JumboGuttersnipe: "Well that ain't right"
nTo Hobbes: Cause like I said, we thought it was sweat
nTo Genius: HAHAHAHAHA
KJames199: bahahahahahahahaha oh my stars I am dying
Jaded Bengali: Oh my Lord
nTo Hobbes: And all these feelings came
nTo Hobbes: Like
JumboGuttersnipe: Disgust?
nTo Hobbes: "Fuck, that was the wettest she's been in months, I thought I was doing a good job, no, it was PISS"
nTo Hobbes: Fuck what kind of man am I.
nTo Hobbes: Jesus
----------------------
Prc1ousRoy (11:36:53 AM): Don't go to Bangkok unless you plan to bang.
Abmulabmu (11:37:02 AM): Don't buy the new Radiohead because it's bad.
Prc1ousRoy (11:37:29 AM): You are a liar because it is good.
Abmulabmu (11:37:47 AM): You know, it would be pretty good if it wasn't so bad.
Prc1ousRoy (11:38:18 AM): And you would be right if you weren't so wrong.
Abmulabmu (11:38:34 AM): Same to you, except you're wrong and I'm not.
Prc1ousRoy (11:39:02 AM): I'm rubber and you're glue.
Abmulabmu (11:39:24 AM): No no no, *I* am rubber. You are glue.
Prc1ousRoy (11:39:52 AM): I don't believe you.
Prc1ousRoy (11:39:56 AM): I believe I am rubber.
Prc1ousRoy (11:40:04 AM): RUBBAHMAN
Abmulabmu (11:40:06 AM): I am INDIANRUBBER
Prc1ousRoy (11:40:37 AM): TIM DEEGAN IS YOUR PERSONAL GOD
Abmulabmu (11:41:22 AM): I heard Tim Deegan was actually Jess in disguise.
Prc1ousRoy (11:41:34 AM): You hear naught but falsities.
Abmulabmu (11:42:44 AM): I would you shrug off this denial and admit your Jessitry.
Prc1ousRoy (11:44:55 AM): Fie, fie, knave! Jess is but a plague upon the legacy of such a fine establishment!
Abmulabmu (11:46:52 AM): "Fie?" "Fie"to such a thing? 'Sblood, you ought be rated for such thoughts. Thy thoughts be haunted of Jess with that mind.
Prc1ousRoy (11:48:41 AM): Sniveling cur, how dare you speak to me in such fashion! Thy words are strangled with the black mist of the witches, 'tis sure.
Abmulabmu (11:49:23 AM): What? What you say? Thy foul heart consumed by Jess, methinks. Get thee to an anusery!
Prc1ousRoy (11:50:25 AM): Only those of anus blood would even suggest such a thing. Are you of the foul Anusulet brood?
Abmulabmu (11:52:24 AM): Sucketh the teat of the anus if thou wilt. A fine interlude may it be.
Prc1ousRoy (11:53:19 AM): INTERLUDE~!
Abmulabmu (11:53:34 AM): Alas, off to lunch I be, a fine feast, sirrah. Eateth my balls.
Abmulabmu signed off at 11:53:39 AM.
------------------
TheKokaneIcon: You know what else is warm is the white hot cum I want to bathe you in
TheKokaneIcon: ahahahahaha
Canuck Hobbes: Stay away from me
------------------
This is not from the chatroom. This is not my girlfriend.
EtherealChilde (3:37:45 AM): and i know my love is odd
EtherealChilde (3:38:02 AM): but what other kind is worth having?
JumboGuttersnipe (3:38:10 AM): The simple kind.
JumboGuttersnipe (3:38:18 AM): Love can be extremely simple if you let it.
EtherealChilde (3:38:54 AM): yeah
EtherealChilde (3:38:57 AM): whatever
JumboGuttersnipe (3:39:13 AM): Whatever?!
EtherealChilde (3:39:21 AM): whatever
EtherealChilde (3:39:28 AM): you heard me
JumboGuttersnipe (3:39:28 AM): Pi-SHAW.
EtherealChilde (3:39:32 AM): whatever
JumboGuttersnipe (3:39:35 AM): My love is very simple.
EtherealChilde (3:39:39 AM): to your pi-shaw
EtherealChilde (3:39:49 AM): ssuurree
JumboGuttersnipe (3:40:00 AM): What? All it requires is participation.
EtherealChilde (3:40:06 AM): as simple as a lobotamy
JumboGuttersnipe (3:40:13 AM): Just being there is simple enough, isn't it?
EtherealChilde (3:40:19 AM): nope
EtherealChilde (3:40:25 AM): you'll learn
EtherealChilde (3:40:28 AM): eventually
JumboGuttersnipe (3:40:58 AM): And what will I learn, oh wise one?
EtherealChilde (3:41:38 AM): it drains you of everything it sucks your soul dry it leave your heart in pieces it collapses your mind
EtherealChilde (3:42:06 AM): and then you dont care, and that might be worse
JumboGuttersnipe (3:42:15 AM): That's the bad kind.
JumboGuttersnipe (3:42:17 AM): I know that kind.
JumboGuttersnipe (3:42:22 AM): I know that kind better than you think.
JumboGuttersnipe (3:42:29 AM): But there's the good kind, too.
EtherealChilde (3:42:38 AM): perhaps
JumboGuttersnipe (3:42:42 AM): The kind that fills you up, keeps you going, makes you GLOW.
JumboGuttersnipe (3:43:29 AM): That's the kind that everybody deserves.
EtherealChilde (3:43:34 AM): but i don't want it, i want to make myself glow
JumboGuttersnipe (3:43:35 AM): And that's what you deserve, really.
EtherealChilde (3:43:42 AM): hhhmmm...
JumboGuttersnipe (3:44:07 AM): Does she love herself? Such questions!
EtherealChilde (3:44:13 AM): i don't know what i deserve but im sure i'll get whatever i deserve
EtherealChilde (3:44:16 AM): good or bad
EtherealChilde (3:44:23 AM): and i'll deal with it
EtherealChilde (3:44:32 AM): cuz that's what you have to do
JumboGuttersnipe (3:44:34 AM): That's my girl.
---------------------
OMG its Feely (2:01:46 PM): Has someone slept with your dad lately or something?
JumboGuttersnipe (2:03:17 PM): It stems from late-night insomnia.
OMG its Feely (2:03:22 PM): Ah.
OMG its Feely (2:03:25 PM): I had that!
JumboGuttersnipe (2:03:31 PM): I thought I'd found some critical flaw in the sorority system
OMG its Feely (2:03:34 PM): But then I had to go to school and eat Toast R Cakes
OMG its Feely (2:03:38 PM): what
JumboGuttersnipe (2:03:47 PM): And I had spiraled the idea out to oblivion
OMG its Feely (2:03:58 PM): dwuh
JumboGuttersnipe (2:04:06 PM): Like, people in the sorority can only talk to other sisters, right
JumboGuttersnipe (2:04:18 PM): But people outside the sorority can talk to the sisters for whatever reason
OMG its Feely (2:04:30 PM): hm
JumboGuttersnipe (2:04:40 PM): So it would only seem practical that nobody would ever join the sorority so nobody would ever have to not talk to people
JumboGuttersnipe (2:04:51 PM): But then nobody would know who's the sluts!
OMG its Feely (2:05:23 PM): ah my brain
JumboGuttersnipe (2:05:24 PM): And it spiraled off into something involving keeping it all in the family, leading to sorority-fraternity inbreeding, to the royal family
JumboGuttersnipe (2:05:32 PM): and eventually everyone was having sex with their dad.
JumboGuttersnipe (2:05:33 PM): And my dad.
OMG its Feely (2:05:42 PM): That's crazy and awesome.
JumboGuttersnipe (2:05:42 PM): Yeah, that's what I said too.
OMG its Feely (2:05:58 PM): Paul, you're a genius. |
